My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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