if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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