Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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