If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
