you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize