It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
