At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
