if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
