Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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