so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
