I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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