The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you never un-have a 4some
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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