when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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