If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
