but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
