I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
