I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
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Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
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I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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