I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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