I faked an abortion last night.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
