The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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