So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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