I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
