win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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