i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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