I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
