well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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