i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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