I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
