dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
