so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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