i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
