hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
well I can't set my house on fire every night
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Come back. Shots need mouths.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
