i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
