I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
