We won't sleep together?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
