Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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