So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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