literally had 100 drinks last night.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
