just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
