My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's always time for handjobs
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
