Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
