Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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