my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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