Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
