Pants 0. Shit 1.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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