Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
