Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
