Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
