I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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