got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
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the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
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"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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