On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
