So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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