I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
