last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
