I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
