you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
