you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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