Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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