It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
