She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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