It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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