What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
