we're chasing vodka with high fives
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
