Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
