Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
